By Luke Kornet, 2026-08-13 04:07:32
我已经开启我的MTA两个月了。现在，我的大脑终于从争夺NBA总冠军那魔戒般的阴影中解脱了出来。以下是我在今年夏天关于现代文化如何“阉割”男性的九个观察。
- 骑士精神已死，这得“感谢”航空公司！我在这儿努力扮演一个父亲的角色。一个保护者。在我的幼子面前，我是力量、安全感和自我牺牲的象征。然而，在做完那套例行的安全宣讲后，空姐竟然有胆量在走道上停下来对我说：“如果发生紧急情况，请务必在协助他人之前，先为自己戴好氧气面罩。”我茫然地盯着她。她凑得更近了些：“我要你直视你每一个孩子的眼睛，对他们说：‘如果出了意外，我会毫不犹豫地先救自己，然后再管你们。’”也许这就是为什么西南航空会提供免费饮料券——好让我们麻痹自己在搭乘现代商业航班时不得不交出男性气概的痛苦。我才不管先戴上面罩是不是能让我的孩子们有更大的生还几率，收起你那约翰·斯图尔特·密尔 (John Stuart Mill) 的功利主义垃圾理论，给我圆溜地滚开！我真的“康德”不了一点！你想让我先戴上自己的面罩？除非跨过我即将冰冷的尸体。
- 旅游巨头们的更多问题。其实我对西南航空挺有好感的，当了多年的“极速奖励”（Rapid Rewards）会员。但看到那种混乱又刺激的分组登机方式不复存在，我还是感到痛心。下一代人将永远无法体会到那种痛苦：忘记在起飞前整整24小时在线值机，结果拿到C组登机牌，不得不把随身行李塞到往后数11排的行李架上，然后再挤进中间的座位。那曾是我们在过去称之为“民主”的一件小事。
- 我的下一个投诉对象是酒店行李员。我个人对他们没意见，但他们在我妻子和孩子面前，一次次试图帮助那个手忙脚乱的我，这在我的家人们幼小的心灵里烙下了一个印记：“他无法供养你们。别信任他。”他们仅仅是提供服务，就传达出一种潜台词：“这就是你们的国王？当折叠婴儿床再次从行李箱上滚落时，他还在拒绝我们的帮助？当他把婴儿车卡在门上时，还在门口破口大骂？而且他开的是克莱斯勒大捷龙（Pacifica）？他都在NBA打球了，居然舍不得掏钱买一辆雪佛兰太浩（Tahoe）？” 孩子们就喜欢侧滑门好吗！
- 接下来是租车公司。别再浪费时间告诉我，我妻子是这辆车的授权驾驶员了。不管过了午夜我压到多少次路边振动带，她也绝对不会碰这辆车。正如人们所说……你如何驾驶租来的车，就如何领导一个家庭。而在我们家，如果我正开着车带大家冲下悬崖，我希望车里的所有人都在想：“老爸真是深谋远虑！这毕竟是下山最快的路了！”
- 顺便给服务员们提几点建议：首先，如果我显然在费劲地用筷子，千万不要递给我一把叉子。在硬撑着吃完半盘菜后，我会像个真正的男人一样，假装自己不饿，然后要求打包。第二，如果你把账单放在离我妻子很近的地方，暗示由她来买单，我不仅不会给你小费，还会写一篇措辞严厉的Yelp差评，并认定你和租车公司的人是一伙的。第三，不要看着我这张盎格鲁-中欧人的面孔，就警告我这道菜很辣。先去掉你自己眼中的梁木，然后手脚麻利点，去给孩子们续杯牛奶。
- 家务事：我们家泳池旁铺了一些瓷砖，结果发现湿了之后非常滑。**找个地方再加一个邦·乔维的歌名梗** 所以很自然地，在邀请朋友来游泳之前，克里夫·保罗 (Cliff Paul) 就接到了我的电话，向他咨询增加我们家伞险保额的报价。这让我意识到，我们能不能为初代“州农保险的杰克 (Jake from State Farm)”讨回点公道？那家伙一夜之间就被一个更年轻、更帅气的家伙彻底取代了，而新人在那儿赚得盆满钵满。注：我在纽约效力期间的一位老将队友（一日尼克斯，终身尼克斯……我能拿个戒指吗？），凯尔·奥奎因 (Kyle O’Quinn) 过去常常叫我“州农保险的杰克”。显然是初代杰克。也许我潜意识里在维护杰克，是因为我在他身上看到了自己篮球生涯终将逝去的现实，以及不可避免地需要将接力棒传递给下一代。我能优雅地接受这种转变吗？我想我大概会一直打到跑不动为止，然后抱怨下一代“根本不会打球”、“老将在联盟里得不到尊重”，以及“如果我打球那会儿是这种裁判尺度，我场均能拿30分！” 没错，后面这种听起来更过瘾……
- 接下来是今年夏天最主要的“阉割者”——FIFA世界杯。棍棒和石头也许会打断你的骨头，但对对手说话时捂住嘴，却可能会毁掉你国家夺取国际荣誉的机会。这是谁的妈妈在制定规则？“嘿孩子们，再玩五分钟！”拜托，给我们点透明度吧。而且，在你们对补水时间做了那种商业化操作之后，别告诉我你们不能修改规则，通过向手表公司出售伤停补时阶段的广告权来赚取十亿美元。“想象一下，如果我有那些补水时间，我能进多少个球！” 兹拉坦 (Zlatan) 懂我！！
- 《玩具总动员5》。大失所望。哇，冷静点，卢克 (Luke)！但在《玩具总动员3》那部杰作之后，皮克斯，你把我的期望值拉得太高了！这部电影感觉就像是一个父亲用AI写出来的儿童电影剧本，试图说服他的孩子在餐桌上放下iPad。（屏幕难道就是现代的、订阅制的奶嘴吗？）不出所料，《玩具总动员5》在减少科技产品使用方面的效果，就和当年Wii游戏机上“要不休息一下？”的旧警告一样无力 *疯狂敲击A键*。老实说，我们必须解决这个科技依赖的问题。在假装这只是一个主要影响孩子的问题之前，我是对我们成年人说这番话的。顺便提一句：我的一位朋友开发了一款我最近开始使用的App，叫作Anchor: Accountability，大家可以去看看。你可以和伙伴绑定来阻止/限制某些App，并在需要使用时请求权限。历史总是惊人地相似，当达到我当天的YouTube使用上限时，我已经非常擅长像按Wii手柄那样疯狂点击“忽略限制”按钮了。信息公开：每增加一个新用户，我能拿到10万美元。这是本博客的新时代，我的沙特私募股权赞商已经开始要求看到一些收入迹象了！在对本田奥德赛发表评测之前，我还在等本田那边的回复。
- 既然是写关于现代男性气概流失的文章，如果不谈谈今年夏天文化领域最大的男性气概危机——《奥德赛》（The Odyssey），又怎能收尾呢？（我不想谈政治，所以就不深入探讨米亚·热诺维亚 (Mia Thermopolis) 与奥德修斯 (Odysseus) 那显而易见的政治联姻了——我猜是为了在日益紧张的地中海局势中，通过与更稳定的伊萨卡结盟，来稳定热诺维亚疲软的经济和安全隐患。但我们只能说，到了2026年夏天，这个女魔头穿的是赫米斯 (Hermes)！）不管怎样，克里斯托弗·诺兰 (Christopher Nolan) 怎么敢做出这种事？在这个社会和政治局势如此紧张的时期，采取如此激进的立场？利用他的平台如此激进地推销他的议程？我当然是指他的胆量，不，是他竟敢利用奥德修斯的经典故事，来强调每个男人在超越自身成就之后，去和解并为沿途犯下的罪行忏悔的责任和义务。去承担责任并为此赎罪。你怎能如此有说服力地迫使我去思考，我可能要为我在世界上看到的种种问题负责，而自我反省和自愿牺牲才是救赎之路！无知曾是福，而那种福气真是该死的美好。
好了，就到这里，希望你已经完成了你的暑期阅读。保持水分充足。
由生成式 AI 翻译，译文内容可能不准确或不完整，以原文为准。
查看原文：9 Summer Reflections on the Emasculation of Modern Man
9 Summer Reflections on the Emasculation of Modern Man
It’s been two months that I’ve been on my MTA so now that my brain has been freed from the Ring-like shadow that is the NBA Championship hunt, here are nine summer observations on how our modern culture emasculates men.
- Chivalry is dead, thank the airlines! I’m here trying to be a father. A protector. A symbol of strength, security, and sacrifice to my young children. And after she finishes her little safety chat, the stewardess has the nerve to stop on her way up the aisle to tell me, “In case of emergency, be sure to put on your own mask first before helping others.” I stare back blankly. She leans in closer, “I want you to look at each of your children dead in the eyes and tell them, ‘If things go wrong, I will not hesitate to save myself before you.’” Perhaps this is why Southwest gives the free drink vouchers, so we can numb the pain of surrendering our masculinity that is required to fly on modern commercial flights. I don’t care if my children have a greater chance of survival by me putting my mask on first, pack up your John Stuart Mill utilitarian garbage and get out of here! I Kan’t even! You want me to put on my own mask first? Over my soon-to-be dead body.
- Some more problems with Big Travel. Now I have a lot of goodwill with Southwest Airlines. Been a Rapid Rewards member for years. But it hurt to see the chaos and thrill of group boarding go. The next generation will never experience the agony of forgetting to check in exactly 24 hours before your flight, getting a C boarding position, and having to put your carry-on 11 rows back before squeezing into a middle seat. That was a little thing we used to have called democracy.
- My next complaint is hotel bellmen. I have no problem with them personally, but their repeated efforts to help my overwhelmed self in front of my wife and children imprints the message into their souls, “He can’t provide for you. Don’t trust him.” The mere offering of services conveys, “This is your king? Refusing our help as the pack-n-play again tumbles off the suitcase? Swearing at the door after he clips the stroller into it? And A Pacifica? He plays in the NBA and couldn’t pony-up for the Tahoe?” THE KIDS LIKE THE SLIDING DOORS!
- Onto rental car companies. Stop wasting your time letting me know that my wife is an authorized driver for the vehicle. I don’t care how many times I hit the rumble strips after midnight, she will not be driving the car. You know what they say… you lead a family how you drive a rental car. And in this family, if I am driving us off a cliff, I expect the whole vehicle to be thinking, “Great thinking dad! That is the fastest route down the mountain after all!”
- A few tips for waiters/waitresses while we’re at it: If I am obviously struggling with the chopsticks, do not offer me a fork. After struggling through half the dish, I will pretend I’m not hungry and ask to have the food boxed up, like a man. Second, if you put the check anywhere near my wife insinuating that she will take care of it, I will not tip you, leave a harshly-worded Yelp review, and assume that you and the rental car people are in cahoots. Third, do not take note of my Anglo-Central European features and warn me that the dish is spicy, take the plank out of your own eye and get the kids’ milk refills with a little more pep in your step.
- Housekeeping: I got some tile by our pool that turns out to get pretty slippery when wet. **Find place for additional Bon Jovi song reference** So naturally before having some friends over to swim, Cliff Paul was getting calls from me asking for quotes for increasing our home’s umbrella coverage. Which made me realize, can we get some justice for the original Jake from State Farm? Dude just got completely replaced with a younger, more attractive guy overnight who is now raaaaaking in the royalties. Note: a vet of mine during my time in New York (Once a Knick Always a Knick…do I get a ring?), Kyle O’Quinn used to call me Jake from State Farm. The original Jake…obviously. Perhaps I’m subconsciously defensive of Jake as I see in him the reality of my basketball mortality and the inevitable need to hand things off to the next generation. Am I going to be able to accept that transition gracefully? I guess I could just go ‘til the wheels fall off and then complain about how this next generation “Just doesn’t do it right” and “Vets aren’t valued in this league” and “I would’ve averaged 30 if the game was reffed like this when I played!” Yeah, the latter sounds better…
- Onto the chief emasculator of the summer, the FIFA World Cup. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but covering your mouth while saying something to an opponent may destroy your country’s chances at international glory. Whose mom is making the rules here? “Hey boys, five more minutes!” Please just give us some transparency. And don’t tell me you couldn’t change the rules and make a billion dollars from a watch company by selling ad rights to penalty time after what you did with those water breaks. “Imagine how many goals I would’ve scored if I got those water breaks!” Zlatan gets it!!
- Toy Story 5. Underwhelming. Woah, take it easy, Luke! But after the masterpiece that was Toy Story 3, you raised my expectations a little too high, Pixar! The movie felt like it was written by a dad using AI to write a kid’s movie script to convince his child to get off his iPad at the dinner table. (Are screens just the modern, subscription-based pacifier?) Unsurprising that TS5 was as effective in reducing tech use as Wii’s old “Why not take a break?” warnings *smashes A button*. Honestly we gotta figure this tech thing out. I say this to us adults before we pretend this is just a problem that primarily impacts children. Related: A friend made an app that I recently started using called Anchor: Accountability, check it out. You partner up to block/limit apps and request permission to access them if you need them. History repeats itself and I had gotten pretty good at Wii-esque-smashing through the “Ignore Limit” button when I reached my Youtube limit for the day. Full Disclosure: I get $100,000 for every new user. It’s a new era here at the blog and my Saudi private-equity backers have started demanding some signs of revenue! Still waiting to hear back from Honda before I give my Odyssey review.
- And how could I end an article on modern emasculation without addressing the biggest culturally relevant masculinity crisis of the summer, The Odyssey? (Not going to dive into Mia Thermopolis’s apparent politically-arranged marriage to Odysseus (I imagine to stabilize Genovia’s weak economy and security concerns to a more stable Ithaca in an increasingly tense Mediterranean region) as I don’t want to get political (but let’s just say come Summer 2026, this devil wears Hermes!) Anywho, how dare Christopher Nolan do what he did? In this socially and politically tense time make such an aggressive stand? To use his platform to aggressively push his agenda? Of course I’m referring to his gumption, nay, gall to use the classic tale of Odysseus to highlight every man’s role and responsibility to move past his accomplishments to reconcile and repent for the sins he committed along the way. To take accountability and atone for them. How dare you so convincingly force me to consider that I may be to blame for the problems I see in the world and that self-reflection and voluntary sacrifice be the route to redemption! Ignorance was bliss and bliss was pretty darn nice.
Well that’s it, I hope you’ve finished your summer reading. Stay hydrated.
By Luke Kornet, via 科内特博客