By Son Trinh | Pounding The Rock (PtR), 2026-06-04 19:32:32
欢迎来到我们的限定栏目——《过激反应：在这里，答案会变成疑问，疑问会引出更多疑问，而你会严重怀疑自己的神智，以至于慢慢说服自己：要是格雷格·波波维奇 (Gregg Popovich) 能多那么一点点想象力，马利克·罗斯 (Malik Rose) 本可以成为最佳阵容级别的控球后卫。》
这里是焦虑的球迷们在总决赛每场比赛后，对每一次输球、赢球、平局以及“精神胜利”进行过激反应的安全避风港。既然NBA没有平局，我们应该把这一条加入到NBA球迷对亚当·萧华 (Adam Silver) 积怨已久的另一份长长清单中。那份清单里还包括：为马努·吉诺比利 (Manu Ginóbili) 塑一座他在NBA比赛中徒手抓蝙蝠的雕像，并将这座雕像立在纽约市NBA总部大楼门前。
今天我们来聊聊第一场比赛。是时候恐慌了。
10. 杰伦·布伦森 (Jalen Brunson) 是不可阻挡的。 凯利·乌布雷 (Kelly Oubre) 曾说过，防守这位尼克斯明星后卫最难的部分就是他那颗大脑袋。马刺甚至可以搬出里克·莫拉尼斯 (Rick Moranis) 在电影《太空炮弹》 (Spaceballs) 中饰演“黑头盔”时戴的那顶特大号（该死的）头盔复制品，在场上满世界追着布伦森跑，试图用它把他罩住，好阻止他再次砍下30分，但那也是无济于事。这支“维拉诺瓦尼克斯队”总能找到办法。
9. 卡尔-安东尼·唐斯 (Karl Anthony-Towns) 是《穿Prada的女魔头2》 (The Devil Wears Prada 2) 唯一出彩的地方。 我看第二部了吗？没有。我喜欢第一部吗？当然，因为我喜欢任何有梅丽尔·斯特里普 (Meryl Streep)、斯坦利·图齐 (Stanley Tucci)、安妮·海瑟薇 (Anne Hathaway)、斯坦利·图齐以及斯坦利·图齐参演的作品。我是会花90美元请保姆、40美元买两张电影票去一家拖把闻起来像泡在融化黄油里洗地板的电影院看续集，还是会等到它上线流媒体，然后直接用我妻子姨妈的母亲的流媒体账号登录观看？当然是后者。这和唐斯在内线肉搏34分钟、砍下18分12篮板的亮眼数据有什么关系？我不知道。为什么斯坦利·图齐会这么（他妈的）迷人？我们就是不知道。
8. 达龙·福克斯 (De’Aaron Fox) 再也无法在第四节投进任何一球了。 永远，永远永远都不可能了。这位2022-23赛季前（也是首届）NBA年度关键球员得主，仅仅因为马刺推特上愤怒球迷的口诛笔伐，就将被迫退回该奖项。这就是唯一的标准，坦白说，也是我们这个社会应该用来评估一切的标准——从福克斯的第四节数据，到为什么企鹅不会飞——因为社交媒体上愤怒的人群就是这么要求的。也许，如果企鹅每月支付订阅费让自己的名字旁边多一个蓝V认证，它们就能飞离那座巨大的冰岛，去更温暖的地方避暑，比如德克萨斯州欧文市科尔百货那片在盛夏酷暑中连一棵遮阳树都没有的停车场。
7. 马刺全队的三分命中率将一直保持在25%。 我的意思是，如果去掉朱利安·尚帕尼 (Julian Champagnie) 外线10投5中的表现，全队的三分命中率将直线下滑到18%。你知道唯一比18%还高的是什么吗？每一张信用卡的利率。所以别担心，如果马刺低得离谱（从统计学角度看几乎是异常值）的三分命中率没有让你失眠，那么那些信用卡的年利率绝对可以。
6. 修女们退场了。 在西部决赛中，她们给我们带来了如此多的好运、魅力、幸运符和干扰对手的法宝，我们非常感激她们服务他人的信仰、无私和谦逊的氛围。但是现在？在第一场比赛之后？是时候恐慌了，该把那些打扮成卓柏卡布拉（吸血怪兽）的亚历克斯·卡鲁索 (Alex Caruso) 模仿者请出来了。没有什么比与卓柏卡布拉结成不神圣的同盟更能体现恐慌的了。做这些毫无意义、简直是妄想的非篮球操作并不能保证在第二场比赛中获胜。不，我们只是想让恐慌席卷我们，就像在上一个系列赛中，卡鲁索那双魔术般的手投进的每一个三分球所带来的恐怖画面在脑海中不断闪回一样。
5. 都怪那只柯基。 是的，那只柯基很可爱。事实上是太可爱了。它甚至一度让全世界团结起来对抗卫冕冠军俄克拉荷马城雷霆，因为没有人会去质疑一只该死的柯基那神奇的预知能力。但名声是个难以捉摸的情妇。而在狗狗的世界里，没有谁比柯基拥有更多的情妇了。你记得那个表情包吗？一个男人牵着现任女友的手，却回头看着另一个女人。那个表情包其实是大麦町犬创作的，旨在警告人类：柯基接下来要抢走人类所爱的人了。在那些可爱的小圆眼睛背后，隐藏着一个无可置疑的精神病患者的魅力。这和马刺在第一场比赛中全队三分命中率不足25%有什么关系？毫无关系。我只是需要找个对象来怪罪，哪怕是一只可爱的小柯基。
4. 米切尔·罗宾逊 (Mitchell Robinson) 是故意在家里弄断小拇指的。 听我解释。也许维克托·文班亚马 (Victor Wembanyama) 最不喜欢的手指就是小拇指。也许他最不喜欢的、试图统治世界的基因改造实验室老鼠就是《粉红与大脑》 (Pinky and the Brain)。此处请插入《费城永远阳光灿烂》 (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia) 中查理·凯利 (Charlie Kelly) 的阴谋论表情包。也许，这些事情带来的恐惧足以分散文班亚马的注意力，让他无法在低位完成更多投篮。各位，是时候恐慌了，所以我们不能放过任何一处细节，也不能漏掉任何一个可以怪罪的对象。
3. 尼克斯再也不会输掉任何一场季后赛了。 永远，永远永远都不可能了。这波季后赛12连胜将一直延续到下个赛季，并延续到未来10年的季后赛中。在此期间，他们还会再拍四部《穿Prada的女魔头》续集，而我们这些NBA球迷将不得不哀求亚当·萧华停止为了让安妮·海瑟薇能继续和唐斯一起客串而暗箱操作偏袒尼克斯。
我不是在试图毒奶他们的连胜。我是真的在恐慌。你没读上面的第六句话吗？是时候恐慌并对每一件小事都做出过激反应了。什么是“Knickerbocker”（尼克博克）？它翻译过来是“马刺克星”的意思吗？别费劲去谷歌搜索什么是“Knickerbocker”了，也别用AI去查，或者随便你们这些年轻人现在用AI干什么。也别费心向我解释。我希望恐慌的气味笼罩着我们，因为我们绝对不会表现得像以前经历过这种场面一样（经历过6次）。是的，我还记得1999年。但我们马刺球迷想要恐慌。我们需要恐慌。
2. 说到对每件小事都感到恐慌。 是谁把马刺场边的票送给本·斯蒂勒 (Ben Stiller) 的？我知道他是尼克斯的“死忠粉”，但你看过《白日梦想家》 (The Secret Life of Walter Mitty) 吗？这是一部非常棒的电影，上映时被严重低估了。我知道那些大市场球队喜欢炫耀他们的明星拥趸，就像骄傲的父母刚刚看到自己的孩子在打毫无运球规则限制的幼儿篮球赛一样！规则就是规则，我就是不喜欢看到这位集演员和导演于一身的双栖才子本·斯蒂勒看着他支持的球队击败我们支持的球队。如果电视上有放《白日梦想家》，当然，我会放下手头的事再看一遍，因为我真的很喜欢那部电影，而且是的，我还在用有线电视。但我没必要喜欢这一幕，哪怕我确实喜欢那部电影。
1. 是时候放弃了。 在电影《空前绝后满天飞2：续集》 (Airplane II: The Sequel) 中有这样一个场景：巴克·默多克 (Buck Murdock)（由威廉·夏特纳 (William Shatner) 饰演，他演的是詹姆斯·T·柯克 (James T. Kirk) 船长在饰演巴克·默多克。这简直是柯克·拉扎鲁斯 (Kirk Lazarus) 那句“我是那个演着假装成另一个家伙的家伙的家伙”的鼻祖，而当时柯克·拉扎鲁斯或者重生的小罗伯特·唐尼 (Robert Downey Jr.) 还根本不存在）放弃了帮助威廉·斯特赖克 (William Striker) 降落飞机的努力，因为后者找不到一块金属片插进控制面板。这个场景和夏特纳的表演风格一样令人难以置信。一遇到困难，他（巴克·默多克）就彻底放弃了，并告诉所有人关闭一切。他甚至在和斯特赖克通话时就开始收拾自己的行李箱，让他们回家（即便他们工作的控制塔是在月球上，而威廉·斯特赖克驾驶的飞机正要撞向那里）。
这就是我的过激反应。我们干脆放弃吧。一个大男人拿着发夹要干嘛？1982年的幽默，你不得不爱。
由生成式人工智能翻译，译文内容可能不准确或不完整，以原文为准。
点击查看原文：Top ten overreactions to Game 1 of the NBA Finals
Top ten overreactions to Game 1 of the NBA Finals
Welcome to a limited series called “Overreactions: Where answers become questions, questions become more questions, and you question your own sanity so much that you slowly convince yourself that Malik Rose could have been an All-NBA point guard if Gregg Popovich had a little bit of imagination.”
It’s a safe place for anxious fans to overreact to every loss, win, tie, and moral victory after every single game in these NBA Finals. And because there are no ties in the NBA, we should add that item to another longstanding list of grievances from NBA fans for Adam Silver. That list includes putting up a statue of Manu Ginóbili plucking a bat out of midair during an actual NBA game and putting that statue out in front of the NBA office in New York, New York.
Today we discuss Game One. It’s time to panic.
10. Jalen Brunson is unstoppable. Kelly Oubre said the hardest part about guarding the Knicks star guard is that big ol’ head. The Spurs could bring out a replica of Rick Moranis’s big (expletive) helmet when he played Dark Helmet in Spaceballs, chase Brunson around the court and try to corral him in it to prevent him from putting 30 points up again, but it’d be no use. The Villanova Knicks will find a way.
9. Karl Anthony-Towns is the only good thing about The Devil Wears Prada 2. Have I seen the second movie? No. Do I love the first movie because I love anything with Meryl Streep, Stanley Tucci, Anne Hathaway, Stanley Tucci, and Stanley Tucci? Of course. Will I pay $90 for a babysitter, $40 for two tickets to go see the sequel in a movie theater that smells like the mops are soaked in melted butter to clean the floors or wait until it comes out on streaming where I could just use my wife’s aunt’s mother’s streaming service login? The latter. What does that have to do with KAT’s stellar line of 18 points, 12 rebounds in 34 minutes of bruising play down in the paint? I don’t know. Why is Stanley Tucci so (expletive)ing charming? We just don’t know.
8. De’Aaron Fox will never make another shot in the fourth quarter again. Ever. Ever never ever again. The former (and inaugural) NBA clutch player of the year for 2022-23 season will be forced to return that award just based alone on the cries of angry fans’ reactions all over Spurs Twitter. That’s the only criteria, and frankly the only one we as a society should use to evaluate anything from Fox’s fourth quarter metrics to why penguins cannot fly—because angry people on social media demanded it so. Maybe if penguins paid a monthly subscription to have a blue check mark next to their names, they’d be able to fly off that huge island of ice and hang out in warmer climates like the Kohl’s parking lot in Irving, Texas that has no trees for shade in the heat of summer.
7. The Spurs are going to keep shooting 25% from three as a team. I mean take away Julian Champagnie’s 5-10 shooting from downtown and the team percentage falls all the way down to 18%. Do you know what is the only thing that is higher than 18%? Every single credit card interest rate. So worry not, if the Spurs’ insanely low (almost outlier-ish from a statistical standpoint) three-point percentage doesn’t keep you up at night, those CC APRs should.
6. The nuns are out. They brought us so much luck, charm, lucky charms, and distractions through the Western Conference Finals, and we owe so much to their faith in serving others, selflessness, and humble vibes. But now? After Game One? It’s time to panic and bring in Alex Caruso lookalikes dressed as chupacabras. Nothing says panic like making unholy alliances with chupacabras. Doing all of this nonsensical, downright delusional non-basketball bits won’t guarantee a win in Game 2. No, we just want to let the panic wash over us like a terrifying flashback of every made three pointer that left Alex Caruso’s magical hands in that last series.
5. Blame the corgi. Yeah, the corgi is cute. Like too cute in fact. And it briefly united the world against the Oklahoma City Thunder, the defending champs, because no one’s going to test the magical clairvoyance of a freakin’ corgi. But fame is a fickle mistress. And no one has more mistresses in the dog world than corgis. You know that meme where the dude is looking at another woman while holding hands with his current significant other? That meme was created by dalmatians as a warning to humans that corgis are coming after humans’ loved ones next. Behind those cute little round eyes is the charm of a certified psychopath. What does that have to do with the Spurs shooting less than 25% from three as team in Game One? Nothing. I just need to blame someone, even a cute, little corgi.
4. Mitchell Robinson broke his pinky at home on purpose. Hear me out. But maybe Victor Wembanyama’s least favorite finger is the pinky. Maybe his least favorite genetically enhanced laboratory mice who try to take over the world are Pinky and the Brain. Insert Charlie Kelly conspiracy meme from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia here. Just maybe, these things were enough of a phobia to distract Wembanyama from taking more shots down low. It’s time to panic, people, so we cannot leave any stone unturned or unblamed.
3. The Knicks are never going to lose another playoff game. Ever. Ever never ever again. This 12-game playoff winning streak will extend into next season and into playoff seasons for the next 10 years. During that time, they will make four more sequels to The Devil Wears Prada, and us NBA fans will be begging Adam Silver to quit rigging the playoffs in favor of the Knicks just so Anne Hathaway can continue to share cameos with KAT. I’m not trying to jinx their streak. I’m legit panicking. Didn’t you read the sixth sentence up there? It’s time to panic and overreact to every little thing. What is a Knickerbocker? Does it translate to “Bane of Spurs’ existence”? Don’t bother googling what a Knickerbocker is AIing it or whatever you kids use AI for today. And don’t bother explaining it to me. I want the smell of panic to linger over us because we’re definitely not going to act like we’ve been here before (6 times). Yes, I remember 1999. But we Spurs fans want to panic. We need to panic.
2. Speaking of panicking over every little thing. Who gave their Spurs court-side tickets to Ben Stiller? I know he’s a Knicks “superfan,” but have you seen The Secret Life of Walter Mitty? It’s a really good movie that was vastly underrated when it came out. I know those big market teams like parading their celebrities around like a proud parent who just saw their kids play little dribblers with no enforced rules for dribbling! Rules are rules, and I just don’t like seeing dual threat actor/director Ben Stiller seeing his favorite team win against our favorite team. If TSLoWM comes on cable, sure, I’ll stop what I’m doing and watch it again because I love that movie, and yes I still have cable. But I don’t have to like it, even if I do like it.
1. It’s time to give up. There’s a scene in Airplanes II: The Sequel where Buck Murdock (played by William Shatner playing Captain James T. Kirk playing Buck Murdock. It’s Kirk Lazarus’s “I’m the dude playing the dude pretending to be another dude” before Kirk Lazarus or reborn Robert Downey Jr. ever existed) gives up trying to help William Striker land the plane because the latter couldn’t find a piece of metal to shove into the control panel. The scene reads as incredulous as Shatner’s acting style. At the first sign of difficulty, he (Buck Murdock) completely gives up and tells everyone to shut it down. He even tells them to go home as he’s packing up his own suitcase while still on the line with Striker (even if the control tower they are all working in is on the moon where the plane piloted by William Striker is about to crash into).
That’s my overreaction. Let’s just give up. What’s a man doing with a bobby pin? 1982 humor. Gotta love it.
By Son Trinh, via Pounding The Rock