By Luke Kornet, 2026-03-23 12:43:07
回到我们的常规节目。
在咖啡这个领域，我还是个相对的新手。我开始喝咖啡大约只有 3 年时间，虽然已经喝了几百杯，但清晨第一口咖啡的感觉依然是无可替代的。当机器开始预热的那一刻，那种巴甫洛夫式的愉悦感便油然而生。那种双手捧着马克杯贴近胸口，蜷缩在沙发里，仿佛自己是《德鲁·巴里摩尔秀》(The Drew Barrymore Show) 嘉宾般的感觉（那档节目让帕特·麦卡菲 (Pat McAfee) 在演播室里的舒适度都显得相形见绌）。
但正如所有咖啡圈内人所知，无论我走了多远，前方总有更深的门道。总有人能让你觉得自己在那些没见过世面的、菜鸟般的品味面前显得微不足道且缺乏自信。这就是为什么我决定创建这个“你觉得你比我强？”咖啡指数，旨在为咖啡饮用者提供一种正式的方式，让他们在这个如同《疯狂的麦克斯》般荒蛮的现代咖啡市场中明确自己的定位。如果你是咖啡新手，那么欢迎你，这里并不丢人。我们很高兴你能加入；你无需感到恐惧。而如果你已经在追求咖啡精致化的道路上走了好几年，那你肯定知道我刚才说的话没一句是真心的。让我们开始吧。
注：确定你在 YTYBTMC 指数中的得分需要考虑很多因素。虽然这份清单并不详尽，但它涵盖了最重要的变量。请完成每个部分以计算你的最终得分。
咖啡豆
自从和大学室友讨论科比·布莱恩特 (Kobe Bryant) 60 分谢幕战的历史地位影响以来，我就再没在“豆子”话题上投入过这么多精力了。
烘焙程度
如果你不知道我在说什么，直接给自己打 0 分然后继续。
浅烘：酸度较高。潜意识里你觉得这更健康。10 分。
中烘：你选这个是因为你被分类吓到了，但又不想拿那个初始的 0 分。承认吧，扣 5 分。诚实才是上策！
深烘：就像在类似的葡萄酒进阶世界里偏爱赤霞珠一样，你在描述咖啡时可能会说出“巧克力风味”之类的话。别自命不凡了。20 分。
产地
亚洲或非洲：10 分。
南美洲：你觉得自己是在支持马德里加尔一家（《魔法满屋》家族）。15 分。
中美洲：支持（相对而言）更本地的商店。20 分。
道德贸易：10 分。
非道德贸易：你对这种生活方式太投入了，以至于在追求完美咖啡豆的过程中丧失了道德准则。参见《了不起的盖茨比》、《爆裂鼓手》、《原钻》：-20 分。
“你是说 6 号货架吗？”：-5 分。
单一产地 (Single Origin)
反正追根溯源都是盘古大陆的豆子。-10 分。
研磨方式
预研磨（咖啡粉）：在这种情况下，无知并不是福。-5 分。
现磨机器：正经办事，不搞花架子。10 分。
手磨：你要么单身，要么刚结婚还没孩子，所以这成了你晨间仪式中有趣的一部分。真可爱。20 分。
独立意式研磨机：你已经意识到自己超越了这种低端的分析。30 分。
饮品种类
这是最大的区别点，也是最能说明你处于咖啡进阶之路哪个阶段的指标。
滴滤 (Drip)
标准咖啡机：你工作太努力了，没精力投入更多。感谢你为维持世界运转所做的贡献。25 分。
手冲 (Pour-Over)：标准进阶版。30 分。
冷萃 (Cold Brew)：再上一层楼。35 分。
法压壶 (French Press)：又名“弗兰克·尼利基纳 (Frank Ntilikina)”。40 分。
氮气咖啡 (Nitro)：Z 世代的黑咖啡。50 分。
意式浓缩 (Espresso)
单份 (Shot)：绝对是最酷的。75 分。如果是双份。85 分。
美式 (Americano)：自命不凡的黑咖啡。40 分。
拿铁 (Latte)：太太太太基础了。10 分。
卡布奇诺 (Cappuccino)：45 分。
澳白 (Flat White)：通常不在菜单上，就像 In-N-Out 汉堡的“野兽派”吃法（这个梗在滴滤咖啡圈很吃香）。50 分。
考塔多 (Cortado)：澳白，先靠边站。60 分。
玛奇朵 (Macchiato)：萨莎·拜伦·科恩 (Sacha Baron Cohen) 每卖出一杯就能拿到 1 分的版税。65 分。
摩卡 (Mocha)：聪明人的热巧克力。5 分。
牛奶
不加奶：25 分。
非乳制品：显然不是奶。-25 分。
2% 脱脂或脱脂奶：行吧，5 分。
全脂奶：也就是所谓的“奶”。10 分。如果是生乳则给 20 分。尽管“大科学机构”有不同意见，但一点点细菌从未伤害过任何人 *公关团队在此添加免责声明*
添加剂
奶精：每单位 -2 分。
糖：每单位 -2 分。
风味糖浆：这开始模糊了我们对你意图的理解。你是来喝咖啡的，还是喝汽水更能满足你那孩子般的嗜甜欲？每泵 -10 分。
温度
我们开始进入细节，但细节决定成败。这里的格式是：天气/咖啡。
-热天/热咖啡：10 分。
-热天/冰咖啡：合情合理，但没什么特别。0 分。
-冷天/冰咖啡：敬佩你对冰饮的执着。3 分。
-冷天/热咖啡：暖意融融。5 分。
容器
在这个充斥着玻璃摩天大楼、穿着单色运动服、审美匮乏的世界里，正确的容器将决定一次咖啡体验的愉悦程度。
陶瓷杯：20 分。
玻璃杯：如果是合适的饮品（考塔多、瑞斯崔朵等）给 20 分，否则给 10 分。
保温杯：生活所迫。0 分。
标语马克杯：-10 分。
塑料杯：如果是冰饮给 1 分，其他任何情况 -20 分。
直接从意式咖啡机接的瀑布流：闻所未闻，但符合“抓到金色飞贼”的特殊情况。150 分。
吸管
这里不是展开长篇大论的地方。
塑料吸管：只有冰拿铁可以接受，但我希望你在入睡时能想到，你的手上沾满了鼠海豚的鲜血。-10 分。
纸吸管：请立即报警。
好了，结果出来了！你得了多少分？你比谁强？在当地咖啡馆里，你必须羞愧地避开谁的目光？在下方评论你的分数，除非你是一个喝着纸吸管冰豆奶南瓜拿铁的海域哺乳动物杀手，如果是那样，请继续躲在星巴克汽车餐厅里别露脸，那才是你该待的地方！¡Provecho!（祝胃口好！）
由生成式人工智能翻译，译文内容可能不准确或不完整，以原文为准。
点击查看原文：The “You Think You’re Better Than Me?” Coffee Index
The “You Think You’re Better Than Me?” Coffee Index
Back to our regularly scheduled programming.
I’m relatively new to the coffee game. It has been about 3 years since I started using and although I’m hundreds of cups in, there still is nothing like that first sip in the morning. That pavlovian glee the second the machine starts warming up. That hold-the-mug-with-two-hands-close-to-your-chest-and-nestle-up-on-the-couch-like-you’re-a-guest-on-The-Drew-Barrymore-Show feeling (that show puts Pat McAfee’s level of in-studio comfort to shame).
But as far as I’ve come, as anyone in the coffee world knows, there’s always further to go. There’s always someone that can make you feel insignificant and insecure in your uncultured, neophyte tastes. Which is why I’ve decided to create the You Think You’re Better Than Me? Coffee Index to help give coffee drinkers a formal way to know where they stand in the Mad Max landscape that is the modern coffee market. If you’re new to coffee then welcome, there is no shame here. We are happy to have you; you need not be afraid. And if you’re several years into your journey of coffee sophistication, you know I didn’t mean anything I just said. Let’s begin.
Note: There are plenty of considerations in determining your score on The YTYBTMC Index. Although this isn’t a comprehensive list, it will address the most important variables. Please complete each section to determine your final score.
Beans
I haven’t invested this much into bean discourse since discussing the legacy impact of Kobe’s 60-point retirement game with my college roommates.
Roast
If you don’t know what I’m talking about just give yourself a 0 and move on.
Light: Higher acidity. Subconsciously you think it’s healthier. 10 points.
Medium: You went with this because you were intimidated by the category but were unwilling to give yourself the initial 0. Own up to it and subtract 5 points. Honesty is the best policy!
Dark: Like preferring a cabernet in the similar world of wine precocity, you probably say things like “chocolatey notes” when describing your coffee. Get over yourself. 20 points.
Source
Asia or Africa: 10 points.
South American: You feel like you’re supporting the Madrigal’s. 15 points.
Central America: Shop (relatively more) local. 20 points.
Ethically: 10 points.
Unethically: You’re so ‘bout this life you’ve lost your moral compass in pursuit of the perfect bean. See also The Great Gatsby, Whiplash, Uncut Gems: -20 points.
“You mean aisle 6?”: -5 points.
Single Origin
It’s all Pangaean beans, one way or the other. -10 points.
Grinding Method
Pre-ground: Ignorance is not in this case bliss. -5 points.
Fresh-ground machine: Serious business. No frills. 10 points.
Hand-ground: You’re single or just got married and are yet to have children so it’s a fun part of the morning routine. S’cute. 20 points.
Stand-alone espresso grinder: You’ve already realized you’re above this type of low-brow analysis. 30 points.
Type of Drink
The biggest differentiator and the one that says the most about where you’re at in your coffee journey.
Drip
Standard Coffee Maker: You work too hard to devote further effort. Thank you for helping the world actually function. 25 points.
Pour-Over: Standard-plus. 30 points.
Cold Brew: Another level up. 35 points.
French Press: AKA The Frank Ntilikina. 40 points.
Nitro: Gen Z black coffee. 50 points.
Espresso
Shot: Easily the coolest. 75 points. If double-shot. 85 points.
Americano: Precocious black coffee. 40 points.
Latte: Baaaaaaaaasic. 10 points.
Cappuccino: 45 points.
Flat White: Often off-menu like animal-style at In-N-Out (a reference that kills with the drip crowd). 50 points.
Cortado: Hold my beer, flat white. 60 points.
Macchiato: Sacha Baron Cohen gets a 1 point royalty for every drink ordered. 65 points.
Mocha: The thinking man’s hot chocolate. 5 points.
Milk
No milk: 25 points.
Non-dairy: Notably not milk. -25 points.
2% or Skim: Sure, 5 points.
Whole: Also known as, milk. 10 points. 20 if raw. Contrary to what Big Science has to say, a little bacteria has never hurt anybody *PR team adds disclaimer*
Additives
Creamer: -2 points per unit.
Sugar: -2 points per unit.
Flavorings: Begins blurring the line in understanding your intention. Are you here for the coffee or would you be better suited having a soda to satisfy your childlike sugar cravings? -10 points per unit pump.
Temperature
We are getting more into the minutia, but details matter. The format here is Weather/Coffee
-Hot/Hot: 10 points.
-Hot/Iced: Makes sense, but nothing special. 0 points.
-Cold/Iced: Respect the commitment to the iced game. 3 points.
-Cold/Hot: Snuggled up. 5 points.
Container
Fighting against the aesthetic apathy that plagues our glass-skyscraper, monochromatic sweatsuit-wearing world, the right container will make or break the delightfulness of a caffeinated experience.
Ceramic: 20 points.
Glass: 20 points for appropriate beverages (cortado, ristretto, etc…) 10 points otherwise.
Thermos: Doing what you gotta do. 0 points.
Slogan Mugs: -10 points.
Plastic: 1 point if iced beverage, -20 if anything else.
Waterfall from the espresso machine: Never before seen, but qualifies for a golden-snitch scenario. 150 points.
Straws
Not the place for the full tirade.
Plastic: Only acceptable with an iced latte but I hope you can sleep knowing porpoise blood is on your hands. -10 points.
Paper: Notify local police.
So there you have it! How did you score? Who are you better than? Who must you sheepishly avoid eye contact with at the local coffee shop? Comment your scores below unless you’re a paper-straw iced soy PSL ocean-mammal murderer, in which case continue hiding your face from public in that Starbucks drive-thru where you belong! ¡Provecho!
By Luke Kornet, via 科内特博客